i am a mother

I had some thoughts recently,

 I was reading another one of my decorating books and browsing the garden section and trying not to go over budget at the grocery  store and worrying about the engine light that’s on in our only car.

I was feeling guilty that Mitchell’s birthday money was spent on my mother’s day gift and a date night. 

I was feeling angry that our bed is no longer OUR bed but a family bed, and that the diaper pails are never empty.

I was really stressed about finances, I won’t go into it but suffice to say that the school district Mitchell is working for is having some serious issues and even if we work her next year there will be pay cuts, and do you know how much we make a year? Well ya let me just say I that it’s not really possible to fathom living on less since it’s already and impossible task.

between fussing about the house and worry about money I was feeling selfish and guilty about it, I was wanting to decorate our house and spend just the money it would take to buy an old DI dresser and refinish it, but we don't have the money. I wanted to buy flowers and new rocks for the overgrown flower beds in our yard, no money for it.  I was wishing that I could go on a nice long vacation with my husband.... wow wanting a lot, bad I know.  I told myself   "thou shalt lay aside the ^athings of this ^bworld, and ^cseek for the things of a ^dbetter." (D&C 25:10) but I still wished I could work on those talents and skills more. I still daydreamed about a cruise ship with Mitchell and me on it. And I imagined myself and Mitchell and the kids watching fireworks at Disney parks.

I was just feeling???  Because I am a mom of two small children, I stay at home, with only them for company, little or no resources and I am always tired. If I don't clean and work "like a dog" the house is trashed, no matter how hard I work there is always laundry and meals to make and faces to wipe.

I was feeling just plain sad.

 Because being a mom is HARD and it’s a lot of work and for the most part, it is thankless. We don’t even "go home from work" it is always with us. That’s fine; I am blessed and so so grateful to stay at home. I really am. 

But still I begain to wonder, not a bitter wonder, just a I cant fall asleep so I will wonder wonder.

About what life would be like

If I were not a mother

If I were not a mother I would have finished my degree, I would be working each day at an office. I would come home in a second car and Mitchell and I would enjoy a movie together without interruptions.

We would have the money to buy the new furniture we want. Our house would stay clean.

We could actually go on a honeymoon, and I would still have nice abs and a tight muscles. I would be able to go on a run every night instead of a walk with a baby carrier and a stroller.

But I would not have little ones. I would not have to wipe finger prints off of doors or wake up at two in the morning to sing my crying child back to sleep. I would not have learned that patience.

I would buy more of the things I wanted instead of learning to live without. I would not have learned to refinish and reupholster things for my home.  I would not have gained the same ability to create.

I would not have a first aid kit and snacks in my purse, or wipes in the car. I would not worry about the wasps in the backyard or the rising price of zoo admittance.

I would not be able to communicate the same silent glance way with my husband because we would have had more time alone to communicate with words.

I would not be as careful in our budgeting because I would not have to worry about the kid’s shots or diapers.

I would not have grown as close to many people because I would not have to ask for rides from others to things, because I would have a car. I would not be as humble because parenting is humbling.

I would not be who I am, because one of my names would not be my name, Mother. I would still be Melinda I would still be a wife a daughter and a friend and a sister and a cousin and an in-law but the name I hear the most all day and night, the tittle I wear with such inward joy is mom.

What a blessing it is to be a mother, what a life changing transformation, what a miraculous journey is that of parenthood.

I am glad to sacrifice the things I do to be a mom, and a stay at home mom.

“Mothers, cherish that role that is so uniquely yours and for which heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones. Yours is the work of salvation, and therefore you will be magnified, compensated, made more than you are, better than you are, and better than you have ever been. May I say to mothers collectively, in the name of the Lord, you are magnificent. You are doing terrifically well. The very fact that you have been given such a responsibility is everlasting evidence of the trust your Father in Heaven has in you. He is blessing you and He will bless you, even—no, especially—when your days and your nights may be the most challenging. Rely on Him. Rely on Him heavily. Rely on Him forever. And “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope.” Jeffery R Holland ,Motherhood an Eternal partnership with God.