This is a journal like longwinned rant so please skip it unless you REALLY want to read it. I just feel like i want to "let it out" plus my journal has yet to be replaced. i Hope that if any of you other moms have ever felt this way you will feel like your not alone. There is a link to two great feel good mom things at the end.
I tend to view my birthday the way I view the new year, yes a party and celebration, also I do enjoy being spoiled (my hubby is very sweet and generous) and I eat cake. Too me the most significant part of my birthday is the self-reflection part of it. Each year on my birthday I feel that it is a "new beginning" a time to set new goals, reflect on my life and plan for the future; perhaps part of that is because it does come right at the start of the school year and with the changing of seasons.
This year with all of the
I feel like writing it down like a story: One day a few weeks ago the, (pause) "I-had-a-second-child-and-have-no-idea-what-I’m-doing" and the "my-body-is-not-what-it-once-was" combined with the inevitable "I-feel-like-something-is-missing-but-don’t-know-what" and the "Oh yeah! I have to -be-the-mom now" was simmering, STILL. My son is almost 1 year old. On so many levels that overwhelms me but for this story the part that matters is that I felt like I should "have it figured out" by now right? My family should have next to perfect routine and my kids should always be dressed in clean cute outfits with shiny clean smiles. I should have lost my stupid belly fat, my skin should be flawless and I am pretty sure that my house needs to look like a magazine (I would love that), oh yea and all my meals should be balanced homemade and delicious, oh yea and on time;all my meals latly are way late.
I have been gradually coming to realize that I felt that way not because that seems to be how it works for everyone else, but because that is how I always thought it should work. I had Unrealistic expectations for myself?! NO! Not in this house. YIKES.Couldn't this just be everyone elses problem, or an easy fix? Not a YIKES internal meltdown. It was turning out to be quite the YIKES meltdown So I did the most sensible thing I could think of to do, (which is not saying much I was NOT smart at that exact moment). I was having a breakdown. After the kids where put down for naps I got into the car and drove away, I got about.... I don’t know maybe a mile, away when I pulled over on the side of the road next to a park and then I cried, and screamed and bawled and prayed out loud asking why and you know generally carrying on because I didn’t think I was supposed to be this hard and then I cried and had a panic attack type I can’t breathe attack. Then I told myself I had let it out and needed to dry my eyes and move on; After all this couldn't even be classified as a trial could it? I was healthy my family all healthy no one passed away no one was injured or jobless my life looked pretty darn good. So why was i freaking out? What was wrong with me? Eventually i just called it hard and move on because i found that the "whats wrong with me" thought process was so NOT helping.
Then I started crying/freaking out again. I am not sure how long this pattern went on but long enough that I was almost scaring myself. Because crying for hours on end in a loud AHHH type way is not a usual happening .Then I realized that this was an unusual type of break down where I don’t feel all better afterwards and I don’t know all the answers and I could just keep on “breaking down” for who knows how long because my ability to cry about “this” was astonishing. So I did my best to dry my eyes and then I drove and found myself just driving without much awareness so I stopped at the closest place and got my haircut, because I needed one. Then I went home after because by now it was pretty late. Once I got home I was greeted by a note on the stairs that said “I love you always and forever” ; Mitchell and I had a talk, one of those short sweet and special talks that communicates a lot and helps but afterwards you don’t remember all that was said but you will always remember the feeling of it.
The day ended happy not because everything was "all better" but because I feel like it was the start of the fixing by gaining understanding, or just learning to except.
And that is why I keep having so many little “epiphanies” and why I am in SUCH a pondering mood lately because its all got to come together in my mind, I think I am realizing that my household will probably never “come together” in that perfect rhythm I want in this life but that’s okay ….
There is a talk by Elder Bednar about the dark side of the moon and how sometimes in our life we put something between ourselves and God creating a “dark side of the moon” effect. One of these things he mentioned that I think is certainly the case in my life is “being worn down by the trials and cares of everyday life" Me to a T.
Happiness your heritage by Pres. Uchdorft
Mom vs mom from loving my lot
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